Wanting to change

How do i change my likes and dislikes!? What i like does not work in this relationship... i really get to change some how. I think i may be slightly off ballanced in my emotions or something. I get so angry when my SO gets up and walks out just because i am listening to a song artist he does not want to listen to or watch a movie he does not like or if he gets upset at what we have to eat. I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. So i did what i hate to do and i am now taking saint johnswart to see if i can be in a better mood. Half tempted to drive my self to a Dr. And see if i can get on some antidepressants or something. I know i know i use to fight being put on those with every fiber of my being. I just want this relationship to work. Please just let this relationship work.

Feeling trapped

I dont feel any one reads this blog any more and its probably a good thing. I feel trapped in my life. I love the man i am with but i just dont feel i can be the woman he wants. I am too wild spirit and tho i am doing my best to tame my self it seems all i am doing is making it worse. I feel by containing my self i am more likely to act out. I died my hair bight red. I would post a pic here but for some reason my mobile blog does not post pics at all for me. It was a way for me to let out my soul just abit. I have a hard time being in this human form. I feel like my spirit just wants to spread its wings and fly. I wish to dress to honor my spirit and wish to place sacred symbols on my body to remind myself that I AM THAT I AM. But i feel that this angers the man i love. And i just dont know what to do. I am not obe to ask permission. I am free. So how do i contain this wild soul that i have building up threatening to burst out and distroy yet another relationship. I am too wild. I do my best to be calm and sit in front of this tv and do what i am told or what is expected of me, but i end up snarling like a pinned up animal threatening to bite the hands of those that care for me. Please Father Sky tame me.

Those days

Hate those days when no matter what i do i am not good enough. I am spose to magically make everything perfect and o just cant do any right at all. Heck there are days i dont know what to do.. if i eat the wrong thing, think the wrong thing, dress wrong... i hate being so in my head but its hiw i keep others from getting upset at me.

It's time

Its time to start blogging again. This is what relaxes and destresses me the most and lately i have been way up tight. I feel like my world is shaking all over again not that 8 was on very sturdy ground to begin with but now its really shaking just when i thought all was starting to look great with a future with a man my son adores and actually a good honest man. Things are looking up in some ways. He has a new great job that pays really well,  we got engaged dec 3rd. But what if i dont feel like i am the woman for him? I love to cook beautiful meals full of vegies and all categories of food while he hates vegetables so much he wont even pick them out to eat something. I adore cooking, how am i to prepare a meal always vegetable free, and how am i to teach Malaki to love vegetables if his daddy makes such a big deal about them, its childish to me. Speaking to him about it makes him upset and then we end up on the outs with eachother and i hate it!!  Then other days he comes home in such a sour mood, and all i want is to great him and have him happy to see me, i am happy to see him, i know he has worked so hard all day i get that, but all i ask that he smiles and lets go of the hard day. He holds on to so much. Too much. I do my best to make things easier for when he gets home. The last two weeks i have made the bed every day set out a towel for him to bathe and left him notes to let him know how i care for him. I did not do it today just because the day got away from me and it just seems like its not making a difference, not that i am giving up yet. I just feel that i may end up making him unhappy instead of happy and that breaks my heart so much.

So sleep? What is that?

So its not like a every night thing its more like an every other night thing where Malaki will decide he is going to stay up for several hours and scream nonstop. Then the next day he fights naps and then crashes hard the next night. But mom does not get to sleep enough for monmy to keep going. I am dead on my feet, and its usually right after i take my iron supplements at night that he decides to stay up screaming so i end up with a sour stumache the rest of the night and a headache from all the screaming and not to mention being near tears of frustration from just listening to him scream for hours on end. I dont know whats up with him , i give him tyolon to see if its some type of pain, teething or such, he takes a melatonin before bed because he will go til he crashes if not. He seems to want me to hold him then wants down after 10 min to run and thats not going to happen. No way... but i am so warn out i would do almost anything to get this baby to sleep. Any advice mamas?

Love

I look back on all those times i thought i was in love, all those tines i was crazy for this guy or that, and i realized how childish all those were. I wanted to be in love so bad back then, that i feel i sometimes just made out my feelings of infatuation to be the big L. But thats all great because it prepared me for now. All those times of failed relationships and confused feelings were all a blessing, teachers of how to love and what love is. Love is so much simpler than what i was making in out to be, yet at the same time it is so much more than i was making it out to be as well. Love is the simplest of things and the most complex wrapped into one four letter word. LOVE. Well for one there is different types of love, but we all know what type i am referring to.
Randy E Larson, that is the name of the man who has forever changed the way i will see love. From a man that i almost overlooked came the greatest love i have ever experienced. Words do not come easy to explain this love. Its like the gentle love i feel ad i stand out sidw under the full moon, that gentle warmth of the moons light kissing my face on a chilled night. This love i feel is like the earth feeding the plants, the plants know and truth the earth, it is like the rush of a waterfall inviting me to dance to thr tune of the mountains. This love is not like i had ever expected, and more than i have ever dreamed. I dreamt of a prince riding up on a white steed and setting me free, instead an angel found me and held me silently in my excellence. He loved me in a dark night of my life. And showed me how beautiful i am to anothers eyes. This love is so different than the love i have felt before. This love is so pure and unconditional, we talk openly with each other, we support and uplift each other. He is everything i ever wanted in a man and more, he is romantic always doing cute, sometimes cheesy things for me that i adore, he is caring, always willing to assist and take care of me, he is an amazing father, tho he does not have to be he cares after and supports Malaki so much and not only that there is a bond between the two of them that could never be duplicated. He makes me laugh so much and i adore laughing with him. No its not a thrilling on the edge of your seat love, but it excites me so. It's that type of love that works perfectly.

Stretching and cuddles

9/16/ This morning is so hard for me. I get to leave my baby for 4 days. And i have not spent one whole day away from him since he was born. He has always haf me in the same room as he slept at night. And last night its like he knewzl, he woke up at one am and would not go back to sleep so i juat held him and for the first tine in a long time all he wanted was for his mama just to hold him i ended up laying on the floor by his crib propped up by all his stuff animals and he fell asleep on my chest as if he was a new born again. Boy did that tug at my heart strings, i did not want to put him back into his crib.