Honestly

I am still slightly freaking out over something that happened at the baby shower. Some one with a young baby was there and my mom felt I should hold the lil baby well all was good sweet baby and all just when he started to fuss I was at a lost of what to do... The mommy told  me he most likely needed burped and my mom told me to place him to my shoulder and pat his back, ya all stuff I know just well I freaked. Holding that baby even tho he was a big baby for his age I was not sure what to do I still don't it upset me. Here I am so close to having my own baby and I can't even hold a baby without freaking out and handing the baby back to his mommy as fast as I can glad for the excuse of having to pee. Here I tell myself I will be the best mom ever and I am clueless!! Scared and clueless. I don't like it at all. Something about holding that baby sent me into a panic I can't shake. 

Baby shower

We had like 15 or so people show up. There was lots of gifts! Tons of diapers!! But I know I will be ever so grateful for them later!! I had a fun time but am also so glad it's over!! Tho now I get to prepare for like a mini family reunion next week. It feels like a lot of stress right now... I usually love these thing bit right now it is crazy hectic! 

Well here are the baby shower pics 

Baby Talk

Getting ready for the baby shower on Saturday has turned out abit more work than I thought it would be but I am grateful for the distraction. I like to keep my self busy it makes the long days go faster.
You know before now I have only been able to say I have heard my stomach growl but a few times. now I wake up in the middle of the night one because I have to pee like ever 30 min and some times because my stomach is growling! it is the oddest thing to me!!! pregnancy is full of such new things.
I am committed once I have Malaki and am able I will be walking alot to get my self back into the shape I was. No not that I was fit before but I miss my old clothes lol. oh and I so look foreward to being able to dye my hair again!! lol silly little things I miss!
Well Time to log off I know i did not write much but lots of stuff to do. I will be sure to take photos of the baby shower!

I am Queen

There's more

I know that there is more out there. I keep looking back when I get to look forward. I left what is behind me behind me for a reason, I know that I knew there was something more and that is why I made the choices I made. I am just walking an unknown path, I am making my way to so much more then I left in my past. I let silly little worries fog my light up.. things like " having a baby will make it more of a challenge for me to find the perfect one." or " divorce is so hard" when really its lies. There is some one out there ready to love me and Malaki with all his heart I am sure of this, and Divorce is only as hard as I make it and really it means freedom to move forward and find that something more.

Dear Love, Who ever you may be.
I know you are out there. I know your smile, I know your spirit. I have settled and at times given up on finding you, I am done giving up. My paths have led me this way and that way each teaching me more and more about me, and in the end more about you. You see I know that you will love me fore me and I for you. I am having a son soon, he is so brilliantly bright, he shines out brighter than any light I have ever seen and I too want to be like him, I know you will love him as much as I do. A dear friend says he is already searching for you his perfect Daddy, you see any one can have a child but only some one truly amazing can be his Daddy. Malaki is looking for you as he is still waiting for his chance to be born, for he wants me to be happy. 
I know you are out there. I know your kindness. I know your soul. I wait for you as I strive to be as I picture you, shining bright light, loving, honest, powerful and spiritual. You are there staring at the same full moons, praising the same rain clouds as the rain blesses your face, you are there a bright shining light. 
I know you are out there, I am not in any hurry. I am perfect as I am, and I now you will show at the perfect time. You are my something more and for now I am blessed just knowing you are out there. 

Quotes to live by!