Wanting to change

How do i change my likes and dislikes!? What i like does not work in this relationship... i really get to change some how. I think i may be slightly off ballanced in my emotions or something. I get so angry when my SO gets up and walks out just because i am listening to a song artist he does not want to listen to or watch a movie he does not like or if he gets upset at what we have to eat. I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. So i did what i hate to do and i am now taking saint johnswart to see if i can be in a better mood. Half tempted to drive my self to a Dr. And see if i can get on some antidepressants or something. I know i know i use to fight being put on those with every fiber of my being. I just want this relationship to work. Please just let this relationship work.

Feeling trapped

I dont feel any one reads this blog any more and its probably a good thing. I feel trapped in my life. I love the man i am with but i just dont feel i can be the woman he wants. I am too wild spirit and tho i am doing my best to tame my self it seems all i am doing is making it worse. I feel by containing my self i am more likely to act out. I died my hair bight red. I would post a pic here but for some reason my mobile blog does not post pics at all for me. It was a way for me to let out my soul just abit. I have a hard time being in this human form. I feel like my spirit just wants to spread its wings and fly. I wish to dress to honor my spirit and wish to place sacred symbols on my body to remind myself that I AM THAT I AM. But i feel that this angers the man i love. And i just dont know what to do. I am not obe to ask permission. I am free. So how do i contain this wild soul that i have building up threatening to burst out and distroy yet another relationship. I am too wild. I do my best to be calm and sit in front of this tv and do what i am told or what is expected of me, but i end up snarling like a pinned up animal threatening to bite the hands of those that care for me. Please Father Sky tame me.

Those days

Hate those days when no matter what i do i am not good enough. I am spose to magically make everything perfect and o just cant do any right at all. Heck there are days i dont know what to do.. if i eat the wrong thing, think the wrong thing, dress wrong... i hate being so in my head but its hiw i keep others from getting upset at me.

It's time

Its time to start blogging again. This is what relaxes and destresses me the most and lately i have been way up tight. I feel like my world is shaking all over again not that 8 was on very sturdy ground to begin with but now its really shaking just when i thought all was starting to look great with a future with a man my son adores and actually a good honest man. Things are looking up in some ways. He has a new great job that pays really well,  we got engaged dec 3rd. But what if i dont feel like i am the woman for him? I love to cook beautiful meals full of vegies and all categories of food while he hates vegetables so much he wont even pick them out to eat something. I adore cooking, how am i to prepare a meal always vegetable free, and how am i to teach Malaki to love vegetables if his daddy makes such a big deal about them, its childish to me. Speaking to him about it makes him upset and then we end up on the outs with eachother and i hate it!!  Then other days he comes home in such a sour mood, and all i want is to great him and have him happy to see me, i am happy to see him, i know he has worked so hard all day i get that, but all i ask that he smiles and lets go of the hard day. He holds on to so much. Too much. I do my best to make things easier for when he gets home. The last two weeks i have made the bed every day set out a towel for him to bathe and left him notes to let him know how i care for him. I did not do it today just because the day got away from me and it just seems like its not making a difference, not that i am giving up yet. I just feel that i may end up making him unhappy instead of happy and that breaks my heart so much.