Pondering

Last night I stayed up watching my belly move. I could sit there for hours and watch my little Malaki kick and move about in there. It's such a wonder and is all so new to me and slightly bizarre. I mean in less than 13 weeks I will give birth to this lil angel and I will be a mother. So many questions run through my head as I sit and watch my rounded belly move and jump with life. Will I be a good mother? What will he be like? Can I handle such a job? If I leave my husband will I be able to work and take car of my son properly? Will my son look up to me? Am I ready for all this? There is so much to worry about now that my life has been changed so much, from that morning I had a pregnancy test say it was so at 3 A.M. every thing changed for me, it is like I grew up and realized that there is much more to my life than just me. No I was not happy with my marriage before I found out I was pregnant but I told my self I could not leave him then because of the Baby, now I realize that for my child to have a happy life he gets to have a happy mommy as well.
As I watched Malaki move about, tho the fears of my head raced, my heart was at peace, this little bundle of love and light is my little blessing in this world, some one for me to love no matter what, and he will love me for I will be Mom. And with all my power I hold I will be the best mom that I can be.

Goodnight Wishes

I got to spend the night with my family last night, there was a family night at the park with cotton candy and a movie and every thing. I did not get to see my husband before leaving on this adventure with my family and figured he would text to see where I was at and what I was up to, I know its my own choice to feel as I do but some times I feel as if I could disappear completely and he would not notice, we do now sleep in different rooms completely and I know that our nights are very different, when I go to my room i spend my last few hours working on some LMT tools and then watching a episode of NCIS to fall asleep to while I am pretty sure he stays up quite later than I playing video games and watching TV. Its like we live two different lives. And no he did not call or text to see if i was coming home or any thing. I wonder how often i do cross his mind.
It hurts sometimes as you long for some one to wish you a goodnight. I may be slightly down tonight as I realize even more that I am not as important to the one I am spose to mean the world to as I felt I was last Sept when I said "I do", but I know that someday I will mean that much to some one and for now I know that I am much more than that to my self and this beautiful bundle of light I carry and call Malaki.

Intro

So I deserved a place to just write out all my feelings in my new life. I have learned alot and am going through alot still. So let me expand on that abit.
I am 23 years old, married and about to bring an angel into this world. I had always planned on all 3 of those things. Turning 23 was bound to happen sooner or later, getting married had surprised me the most yet I had also planned on it one day, and having babies was a must on my list because I just really want to be a mom. the thing is I never planned on finding out that I do not want to be married to who I am married to, I know that there is no accidents in my life I have learned alot from my marriage one being that me and my husband are better as friends than a couple and romantic partners, when we are acting as friends we get along great but living together and acting as husband and wife does not work for us. Another thing I have learned is how to love some one for exactly who they are and not to be in love with who they could be or maybe even acted as in the past. And finally I have learned that I deserve more in my life than just a man who cares for me as a friend or that I care for only as a friend, I deserve some one who loves me for all that I am, adores my flaws, kisses my tears away, places aside TV and Video games just to be with me, who will honor me as the Goddess I am and will Remember that he is a God, Someone that will never let me forget I am beautiful and much more. I do not feel I have that at all. I love who I am with but as a friend and brother. And tho it is such a struggle between my heart and thick head I know that I deserve to be happy, And my Son deserves to have a father that will love him for all that he is, adore his flaws, kiss away his tears, place every thing aside to be with him, honor him for the God he is, and who never let him forget how amazing he is and much more. And my feelings on it is that a man that does not do those things for his wife will not teach his son those things either.
I know I am bold in my writings and some may not agree with all that I say but this is my feelings on all that is in my life and my truths that I know. I will be writing how I feel and I may even vent sometimes and though I will do my best to be in my heart at all times I write here I will not guarantee that there will not be some writings done here out of ego and fear.
So with that said let my expand abit on the title I have chosen. A week or so ago I was blessed with the opportunity to sit near running water and ponder love. The breakthrough i was given was looking at the water it flows steady loving all in its path, place your foot in the water and it embraces your foot, it embraces all with out choosing out of any kind of love. Here I was sitting near this great teacher contemplating choosing out of romantic love in my life, I had allowed my head to convince me it would be easier to spend the rest of my life with the man I am with tho I have no romantic connection with him, it would be like dipping my foot in the water and having the water avoid my foot all together. And yes I take accountability for the choose I made to marry who I did I also know that there is always a reason for that choose and one is the beautiful son I now carry. So with the title of this blog "As The River Flows" there are many lessons a river can teach us in love and in life and I too will keep flowing as the river flows ever more in love and light.