well...

I wonder if i will leave an impression. When it is my time to go home will some one remember me? Will some one miss me every day? Will I cross some ones mind often? Or will I just fade away? I know I have a son and well I know that when my parents go home I will miss them and they will cross my mind every day, but in the end will I leave a good collection of memories behind?
Will I find my love?  The one that I will wait for in heaven? The one I can love forever? Well I be loved and held when I turn grey? or did my chance pass by? I pray not dear Lord! I know I have made mistakes but I dont think I can do this alone.. I dont want to. Letting go of my Ex husband was me taking the chance of being alone forever.. I know tho it was the chance I had to take, because really in the end it was the only chance I had to find true love. I stare at the stars above knowing that I have loved, and I do love with all my heart. When will my chance at forever come?

Really its not that I am sad. I am actually happy with my life.. ok there is alot that gets to change and honestly I am freaking out inside. But I do have the best thing ever in my life , a five month old little boy who makes me smile every day, there is so much I deserve tho, for him. A place of peace for us to live. Here we hide in our room because of all the drama and pain that lies beyond the bedroom door. Some time the tension is so great that you can feel it oosing under the door. I am totally Freaked out about getting a job and letting mom watch Malaki, Not that I do not trust her. Its more the fact that i will not be there. And some times I am lonely. But then.. I know that I can be tough, I am strong. I can push on. I can do any thing. If this is my life I can make it. If I am to for ever be the working single mom I will find a way to push on, I will find a way to make him remember his mommy when I am gone. I can make it alone I will not die from being alone in my love life. I never thought I had a chance of even dating back in highschool. And look at what happened there for a while like 3 ish years of never being single I dated so many people and I could not be alone. That blew me away.  And I know that I am still desired, I had to tell one guy just yesterday that my heart belongs to another and that I did not feel for him in that way, at all. And then there is him. The one I am in love with. Miles away. There are alot of days I believe we will be together in time. And then there are days like today where I am not sure, I wonder if I will be forever waiting for him to show. No there is no rush at this time, there is things i need to figure out, a divorce being one of them. And I do not want to rush, I dont want people to think I am rushing from one guy to another but then really it does not matter what they think, it has been 8 months since he physically left me and a year since he emotionally left me. I have felt this loneliness for over a year now, so for me i guess it does not feel like rushing to be loving some one else. I really want this divorce so that I can move on with my life.
then there are moments like this where My baby boy is asleep in my arms holding to me tightly so i cant put him down. heaven.. I could live in this moment and never want for more,

a feeling

I can feel it in my soul. My life is changing there is some thing amazing about to happen. I honestly can not say what it is I feel is to happen just some thing great. Its like when you  can smell some thing amazing as you walk pass a food place, you have no Idea what it is, yet you know it is going to taste amazing. except for this is my life we are talking about. I can feel a huge shift starting to take place to lead to something even better.
As of late it has felt like my life is on pause. I stay at home in my room with my son pretty much 24/7 yes there was the last time I came out of my room for a vacation to see my moms best friend ( my Aunt) and ended up in the hospital with my Baby. Thats when I felt like i was starting to wake up. My 4 1/2 month old baby boy had to have surgery but on top of that he had RSV and low Il ron making it so he had to have blood transfusions and also the surgery was slightly more risky than normal. He had Pyloric Stenosis. Pyloric stenosis is an uncommon condition affecting the opening between the stomach and small intestine in infants. More less lots of throwing up and no nutrition getting to where it deserves to. When talking to the doctors around here they made it sound like it was normal for a baby to throw up soo much and when seeing his lack in weight would just give him more and different things to eat. I had no idea that it was not normal to go through many sets of clothing a day for both him and my self plus not to mention the bedding and other things that ended up in the cross fire of puking baby. ( life seems pretty easy right now with him now not puking every time he eats or cries hard) I am so grateful for the doctors who found out what was up with my little man before it got worse. The doctor he saw said we were lucky we caught it, for she usually has this fixed by 6 weeks old and this can lead to SIDS. Tho he is cranky from a little tenderness from surgery and of course teething ( he already has two of his lower very front teeth) he is doing really well. He is my smiley baby who even tho has gone through alot still smiles and coos. He is my inspiration really.
Dad got a job in St. Goerge so now we are looking to move there ASAP. I am actually quite excited about this and tho I really do not look forward to getting a job and leaving my sweet baby at home with his grandma, I am really looking forward to a change. A chance to get back on my feet. Being a single mom means sadly I have chosen to miss out on some of my babies life. I pray I am their for most. It would break my heart if I missed his firsts. Like his first words or steps or any of that, but I chose this life. I felt it would be better than him forever seeing his mom unhappy. And deep down I know that this is not forever some day I will get my dream to be a stay at home mom. For now I get to get back on my two feet. One of the first things I plan on doing once i am able to afford it is to get a divorce. I went in to the court house here in Kanab and they sent me to a site on line that in return sends me back to the court house. Really I feel like they just do not want to be bothered by me at all. 
There is so much going on and honestly I have that feeling that I have had so many times before in my life , and it is yet to let me down, that some thing truly amazing is about to happen. This is a new chapter to my story and I can not wait to see what happens.

Crazy?

Life changes at a blink of an eye. For example you find some thing you feel is going to work and then it all flip flops and you have no idea then a few more bumps and twist are thrown in as if it was not interesting enough as it was before the whole flip flop! And then add in the stuff that is going on inside of you with all of the outside stuff and why not just call this a whole mess of disaster. For goodness sale can it just be one thing at a time! One more thing to that add the fact that the one person you feel like will get all of this is not around at this time and if you so tell them all that is going on and how you feel you risk putting them through worse then you are going through. My self talk has increased so much, all inner , but its got to the point it's like I am having a constant conversation  in there! And I swear if some one could hear my thoughts they would throw me in an mental institution! I tell my self to shut the cupboard because its one of MY pet peaves to have a cupboard left open! It's almost like I am speaking my thoughts out load in my brain! Heavens now I do sound crazy!