Love

I look back on all those times i thought i was in love, all those tines i was crazy for this guy or that, and i realized how childish all those were. I wanted to be in love so bad back then, that i feel i sometimes just made out my feelings of infatuation to be the big L. But thats all great because it prepared me for now. All those times of failed relationships and confused feelings were all a blessing, teachers of how to love and what love is. Love is so much simpler than what i was making in out to be, yet at the same time it is so much more than i was making it out to be as well. Love is the simplest of things and the most complex wrapped into one four letter word. LOVE. Well for one there is different types of love, but we all know what type i am referring to.
Randy E Larson, that is the name of the man who has forever changed the way i will see love. From a man that i almost overlooked came the greatest love i have ever experienced. Words do not come easy to explain this love. Its like the gentle love i feel ad i stand out sidw under the full moon, that gentle warmth of the moons light kissing my face on a chilled night. This love i feel is like the earth feeding the plants, the plants know and truth the earth, it is like the rush of a waterfall inviting me to dance to thr tune of the mountains. This love is not like i had ever expected, and more than i have ever dreamed. I dreamt of a prince riding up on a white steed and setting me free, instead an angel found me and held me silently in my excellence. He loved me in a dark night of my life. And showed me how beautiful i am to anothers eyes. This love is so different than the love i have felt before. This love is so pure and unconditional, we talk openly with each other, we support and uplift each other. He is everything i ever wanted in a man and more, he is romantic always doing cute, sometimes cheesy things for me that i adore, he is caring, always willing to assist and take care of me, he is an amazing father, tho he does not have to be he cares after and supports Malaki so much and not only that there is a bond between the two of them that could never be duplicated. He makes me laugh so much and i adore laughing with him. No its not a thrilling on the edge of your seat love, but it excites me so. It's that type of love that works perfectly.

Stretching and cuddles

9/16/ This morning is so hard for me. I get to leave my baby for 4 days. And i have not spent one whole day away from him since he was born. He has always haf me in the same room as he slept at night. And last night its like he knewzl, he woke up at one am and would not go back to sleep so i juat held him and for the first tine in a long time all he wanted was for his mama just to hold him i ended up laying on the floor by his crib propped up by all his stuff animals and he fell asleep on my chest as if he was a new born again. Boy did that tug at my heart strings, i did not want to put him back into his crib.

9/10/2015

Life has definitely changed and i have alot that has not been posted. One thing is that i am no longer waiting for a fool to show up i  knew deep inside that he was never going to show. I knew that his music career was more important. And also his dreams just were not family friendly, and thats what i am i am a family, me and malaki. So thats old news. Went to kanab for the 4th of July and grandma and papas 50th. For some reason alot of family just does not get me, especially my uncle he treats me and malaki like misfits and some times its as if he acts like i had Malaki out of wed lock.
Well what ever I know my truth. And no matter where my malaki got hos start he is my little boy and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. Speaking of malaki hr is gettind so stinking big! And has the Cutest personality. I can not believe he turns one this month. My baby is getting so big!  He gives kisses now, waves bye-bye,seems that he says hi, mama is an old one, duck is another word he says but then rubber duckies are his favorite, he loves his Randy (more about this one later) he loves blueberries and raisins, yogurt puffs and chocolate, oh how he loves chocolate. Malaki loves being outside and going for car rides with Randy. He is my little angel.
Then there is this Randy i have spoke about. Randy is my boyfriend. And yes this might come to a shock to some readers. No i am not divorced yet, but the only thing holding me back is not knowing where to start. The thing is my husband has been gone over a year and when i met Randy things just seemed so right. The reason i agreed to go on a date qith Randy in the first place is because i was wanting to make some friends in this area. Well it became more than friends quite fast and tho i was worried about rushing into any thing it all just flowed so perfectly and won of the ways Randy won me over is the connection he and my son has. They are super good with each other. Any time Malaki sees him he like has thicla cute way he crawls like fast speed across the floor and then like continues ro crawl up Randy's legs into his arms. They say small children have a way of knowing who are good. Randy sure is amazing. He is set on taking care of me and malaki and he is so good to us. I really am blessed to have him. 
Randy starts quest training tomorrow and i could not be happier!! He chose in all on his own pretty much and he has chosen all the way through!

Home

Sitting in the impact building is home. No matter where i go or how long i am gone every time i walk in to here its like i am coming home for the first time in years. Often i long to be here often i feel a pull here. If i could set up camp right outside the door and just live here i would be very happy.
Yes this has been odd not being near my Malaki but i can feel that there is a deeper bond between me and Randy growing. This is going to ne an amazing weekend! Full of miracles and magic. I am so grateful he chose in to this training.

Grasping at reality, ending up with wrisps of dreams

Sometimes i feel numb like i am unsure if i am even living in this moment, heck i dont even know if i am even in this dimension at times. But its not like i am meaning to be so distant. Infact at times its like some of the most important moments of my life that i find my self drifting  out. And i find at times I'm not sure how to bring my focus back to this moment this life. Lately i have felt like i am difting umong the clouds and stars. I find my self drumming on the mountain tops with a dear friend of mine as i should be payinv attention to the man who is courting after me right now.  I find my dreams full of blank tara cards and white animals. Also i tend to see alot of floating white feathers or huge yellow butterflies.  I find my selc staring up at the sky for unknown reasons. And i wonder what it going on with my soul. If any one has any ideas please message me. I wohld love to know your thoughts.

Dating tips for single moms

I know I write alot about me, but then i am the one who writes this and i i am always changing.  So here we go again. I am bellah  tho if you are reading this moat likely you already know this. A bit about me, i am a single mother who lives with her parents. And before  you go off thinking i am a lazy person let me just let  you know that i am a mom. A full time mom. That means every waking moment. For those of you who roll over in the morning to hit that snooze button for the 3rd time. I get woken up any where from 3 to 4 times a night and in order to get some sleep it means heating a bottle or even rocking a baby in my arms for a while. Not that i am complaining in fact i love being a mom more than anything in the world.  So besides being a mom i have been learning that being a mom does not mean i can not be more than that. For some reason after having my baby i got it stuck in my mind that a mom is all i could and would ever be, that because i am a mom now i lost all that young, life loving sparkle. The thing is thats not true. I did not instantly become 10 or 20 years olded i am still in my mid twenties and that " single" part about being a single mom means that i still have that excitement of being able to date and find my match. Yes i admit dating is alot different wben you have a lil one at home that can decide that he does not want Grammy he wants Mama. So dates can be cut short or cancled all together. But as long as hou find a guy that is chill with the idea of a night out on the town being turned into a night watching Whinney the Pooh. Then sure dTing can be easy. But thats not always the case so here is some tips i have for those moms out there returning to the dating scene.
1. Dont be afraid to remind them that you are a mom. If you are like me and still in your midtwenties then many times they will get carried away with 
Hanging out late into the hours. Also alot of guys my age like to be spontaneous in their plans. As a mom that does make things alittle tougher. Just let them know right out.
2. Alone time is allowed! Lol i find my self feeling bad leaving my lil one in anothers care as i go off to spend it doing any thing! But its good for you!
And spending it on a date is even better. Relax and enjoy being pampered! How lovely it is to have doors opened for you for a change other that opening not only your door  but pulling a baby in and out of another as they fight you with their seat belt.
3. Much like two. Enjoy it. Let them treat you. Let them pamper you. How often do us moms get to just sit back and let some one else handle the night?
4. Dont waist your time. If you just cant see it going any where call it off. Saves you some time and them some time. And as a single mom we all know that time is presious!

Time to grow up

When I was 16 I wanted a big birthday bash and chose to cancel it so we could have money for my sister a nursery, when 18 I was at camp and the leaders forgot, until I brought it up. On my 21st I made my own cake and tho my parents and family did not forget it felt like it. And now I am getting ready to turn 25 and just canceled  a get together . All I wanted was to be with my friends. I miss my impact family so much. Ya I got to see them this last weekend but I swear that just made me miss them more. How odd to say that I am home sick. I am home sick for impact. Really that's what this all is. I could not care less about a dumb birthday party I would give up all birthday parties ever to be with my friends and family up north again.