I wonder if i will leave an impression. When it is my time to go home will some one remember me? Will some one miss me every day? Will I cross some ones mind often? Or will I just fade away? I know I have a son and well I know that when my parents go home I will miss them and they will cross my mind every day, but in the end will I leave a good collection of memories behind?
Will I find my love? The one that I will wait for in heaven? The one I can love forever? Well I be loved and held when I turn grey? or did my chance pass by? I pray not dear Lord! I know I have made mistakes but I dont think I can do this alone.. I dont want to. Letting go of my Ex husband was me taking the chance of being alone forever.. I know tho it was the chance I had to take, because really in the end it was the only chance I had to find true love. I stare at the stars above knowing that I have loved, and I do love with all my heart. When will my chance at forever come?
Really its not that I am sad. I am actually happy with my life.. ok there is alot that gets to change and honestly I am freaking out inside. But I do have the best thing ever in my life , a five month old little boy who makes me smile every day, there is so much I deserve tho, for him. A place of peace for us to live. Here we hide in our room because of all the drama and pain that lies beyond the bedroom door. Some time the tension is so great that you can feel it oosing under the door. I am totally Freaked out about getting a job and letting mom watch Malaki, Not that I do not trust her. Its more the fact that i will not be there. And some times I am lonely. But then.. I know that I can be tough, I am strong. I can push on. I can do any thing. If this is my life I can make it. If I am to for ever be the working single mom I will find a way to push on, I will find a way to make him remember his mommy when I am gone. I can make it alone I will not die from being alone in my love life. I never thought I had a chance of even dating back in highschool. And look at what happened there for a while like 3 ish years of never being single I dated so many people and I could not be alone. That blew me away. And I know that I am still desired, I had to tell one guy just yesterday that my heart belongs to another and that I did not feel for him in that way, at all. And then there is him. The one I am in love with. Miles away. There are alot of days I believe we will be together in time. And then there are days like today where I am not sure, I wonder if I will be forever waiting for him to show. No there is no rush at this time, there is things i need to figure out, a divorce being one of them. And I do not want to rush, I dont want people to think I am rushing from one guy to another but then really it does not matter what they think, it has been 8 months since he physically left me and a year since he emotionally left me. I have felt this loneliness for over a year now, so for me i guess it does not feel like rushing to be loving some one else. I really want this divorce so that I can move on with my life.
then there are moments like this where My baby boy is asleep in my arms holding to me tightly so i cant put him down. heaven.. I could live in this moment and never want for more,
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