well...

I wonder if i will leave an impression. When it is my time to go home will some one remember me? Will some one miss me every day? Will I cross some ones mind often? Or will I just fade away? I know I have a son and well I know that when my parents go home I will miss them and they will cross my mind every day, but in the end will I leave a good collection of memories behind?
Will I find my love?  The one that I will wait for in heaven? The one I can love forever? Well I be loved and held when I turn grey? or did my chance pass by? I pray not dear Lord! I know I have made mistakes but I dont think I can do this alone.. I dont want to. Letting go of my Ex husband was me taking the chance of being alone forever.. I know tho it was the chance I had to take, because really in the end it was the only chance I had to find true love. I stare at the stars above knowing that I have loved, and I do love with all my heart. When will my chance at forever come?

Really its not that I am sad. I am actually happy with my life.. ok there is alot that gets to change and honestly I am freaking out inside. But I do have the best thing ever in my life , a five month old little boy who makes me smile every day, there is so much I deserve tho, for him. A place of peace for us to live. Here we hide in our room because of all the drama and pain that lies beyond the bedroom door. Some time the tension is so great that you can feel it oosing under the door. I am totally Freaked out about getting a job and letting mom watch Malaki, Not that I do not trust her. Its more the fact that i will not be there. And some times I am lonely. But then.. I know that I can be tough, I am strong. I can push on. I can do any thing. If this is my life I can make it. If I am to for ever be the working single mom I will find a way to push on, I will find a way to make him remember his mommy when I am gone. I can make it alone I will not die from being alone in my love life. I never thought I had a chance of even dating back in highschool. And look at what happened there for a while like 3 ish years of never being single I dated so many people and I could not be alone. That blew me away.  And I know that I am still desired, I had to tell one guy just yesterday that my heart belongs to another and that I did not feel for him in that way, at all. And then there is him. The one I am in love with. Miles away. There are alot of days I believe we will be together in time. And then there are days like today where I am not sure, I wonder if I will be forever waiting for him to show. No there is no rush at this time, there is things i need to figure out, a divorce being one of them. And I do not want to rush, I dont want people to think I am rushing from one guy to another but then really it does not matter what they think, it has been 8 months since he physically left me and a year since he emotionally left me. I have felt this loneliness for over a year now, so for me i guess it does not feel like rushing to be loving some one else. I really want this divorce so that I can move on with my life.
then there are moments like this where My baby boy is asleep in my arms holding to me tightly so i cant put him down. heaven.. I could live in this moment and never want for more,

a feeling

I can feel it in my soul. My life is changing there is some thing amazing about to happen. I honestly can not say what it is I feel is to happen just some thing great. Its like when you  can smell some thing amazing as you walk pass a food place, you have no Idea what it is, yet you know it is going to taste amazing. except for this is my life we are talking about. I can feel a huge shift starting to take place to lead to something even better.
As of late it has felt like my life is on pause. I stay at home in my room with my son pretty much 24/7 yes there was the last time I came out of my room for a vacation to see my moms best friend ( my Aunt) and ended up in the hospital with my Baby. Thats when I felt like i was starting to wake up. My 4 1/2 month old baby boy had to have surgery but on top of that he had RSV and low Il ron making it so he had to have blood transfusions and also the surgery was slightly more risky than normal. He had Pyloric Stenosis. Pyloric stenosis is an uncommon condition affecting the opening between the stomach and small intestine in infants. More less lots of throwing up and no nutrition getting to where it deserves to. When talking to the doctors around here they made it sound like it was normal for a baby to throw up soo much and when seeing his lack in weight would just give him more and different things to eat. I had no idea that it was not normal to go through many sets of clothing a day for both him and my self plus not to mention the bedding and other things that ended up in the cross fire of puking baby. ( life seems pretty easy right now with him now not puking every time he eats or cries hard) I am so grateful for the doctors who found out what was up with my little man before it got worse. The doctor he saw said we were lucky we caught it, for she usually has this fixed by 6 weeks old and this can lead to SIDS. Tho he is cranky from a little tenderness from surgery and of course teething ( he already has two of his lower very front teeth) he is doing really well. He is my smiley baby who even tho has gone through alot still smiles and coos. He is my inspiration really.
Dad got a job in St. Goerge so now we are looking to move there ASAP. I am actually quite excited about this and tho I really do not look forward to getting a job and leaving my sweet baby at home with his grandma, I am really looking forward to a change. A chance to get back on my feet. Being a single mom means sadly I have chosen to miss out on some of my babies life. I pray I am their for most. It would break my heart if I missed his firsts. Like his first words or steps or any of that, but I chose this life. I felt it would be better than him forever seeing his mom unhappy. And deep down I know that this is not forever some day I will get my dream to be a stay at home mom. For now I get to get back on my two feet. One of the first things I plan on doing once i am able to afford it is to get a divorce. I went in to the court house here in Kanab and they sent me to a site on line that in return sends me back to the court house. Really I feel like they just do not want to be bothered by me at all. 
There is so much going on and honestly I have that feeling that I have had so many times before in my life , and it is yet to let me down, that some thing truly amazing is about to happen. This is a new chapter to my story and I can not wait to see what happens.

Crazy?

Life changes at a blink of an eye. For example you find some thing you feel is going to work and then it all flip flops and you have no idea then a few more bumps and twist are thrown in as if it was not interesting enough as it was before the whole flip flop! And then add in the stuff that is going on inside of you with all of the outside stuff and why not just call this a whole mess of disaster. For goodness sale can it just be one thing at a time! One more thing to that add the fact that the one person you feel like will get all of this is not around at this time and if you so tell them all that is going on and how you feel you risk putting them through worse then you are going through. My self talk has increased so much, all inner , but its got to the point it's like I am having a constant conversation  in there! And I swear if some one could hear my thoughts they would throw me in an mental institution! I tell my self to shut the cupboard because its one of MY pet peaves to have a cupboard left open! It's almost like I am speaking my thoughts out load in my brain! Heavens now I do sound crazy! 

love...

Love makes you do crazy things. I stay up as late as I can just watching my baby peacefully sleep. I also will stay in just in case I get to talk to some one I love that usually gets on late at night. I will sing the same silly song over and over again just to see Malaki smile, and the Germs that bothered me so much before don't count when they are his. I use to squirm when some one puked near me, but my son can vomit all over me and I have learned... it happens lets get him cleaned up. I Spend hours thinking about some one thousands of miles away. I can kiss a baby's slobbery face. I spend every waking moment thinking of the baby in my arms. I get lonely when malaki sleeps the whole night in his crib., and I could cuddle him all day.

Valentines wishes.

Honest truth I know My valentine wishes are far from being Reality at this time. And tho I love the sweet smell and gentle silk touch of a real rose I actually just really would love some of these this year. Its a rose made out of Diapers. I would be thrilled with them it would be like a gift to both Malaki and I. I would get my roses and in the end Malaki would have a clean butt. Its a win win!! Maybe some year I will get my lovey dovey romantic Valentines but Diaper roses Sound great to me right now!

Please read

Do you ever wish there was a way to reach out and make some one see just how much you love them, how much they mean to you, and that nothing is ever going to change that... Exactly. There must be some type of lesson I am just not getting for instead of one I am surrounded. And it breaks my heart because there is nothing I can do about it, it does not matter how much I love them,they get to love themselves. I skipped working out tonight to pray. I have not actually knelt to pray in a long long time. Most of my prayers are silent pleas with in my heart through out the day but tonight is different. I am seeing those I love fall apart near and far. And My only Plea is that they may see at least how much they mean to me and know it, for you see I can tell them all I want but it feels like I am talking to a brick wall, repeating myself. I love you I love you I LOVE YOU! It just does not seem to be enough, they get to love themselves. All I can do is sit back and love them still, and keep praying they see how great they are.

Please my dear ones~
Keep holding on. I know you can not see it but there is so much in store for you. There is Love in all things. Breathe. There is a end to this for this too shall pass, Please keep your chin up and remember brighter times they are there for you to hold on to. Please hold on you do not know how much you mean to me. It breaks my heart to see you this way. It may seem like this is the darkest dark night of your life but there will be sunshine, There is always a sunrise. Its you. You are the light you just get to remember it. I don't know how to explain this to all of you the way you will get it, You are your happiness, You choose! Its up to you! Hate the things in your past? forgive yourself. Unhappy where you are? Then go to where you are the Happiest. Cant leave where you are? Make it your happy place! Seriously if say Disney land is your favorite place Take over your house Decorate it with Disney Character posters!! Stressed out over things going on around you? Don't worry they will turn out! Some how! Hate your life? Change it. Dont thing you are loved? look around.. I am here. I am here.

YOU ARE LOVED!!

For my dear Friend

Once upon no time, there was a little Soul who said to God, "I know who I am."

And God said, "That's wonderful! Who are you?"

And the Little Soul shouted, "I'm the Light!"

God smiled a big smile. "That's right!" God exclaimed. "You are the Light."

The Little Soul was so happy, for it had figured out what all the souls in the Kingdom were there to figure out.

"Wow," said the Little Soul, "this is really cool!"

But soon, knowing who it was was not enough. The Little Soul felt stirrings inside, and now wanted to be who it was. And so the Little Soul went back to God (which is not a bad idea for all souls who want to be Who They Really Are) and said,

"Hi, God! Now that I know Who I am, is it okay for me to be it?"

And God said, "You mean you want to be Who You Already Are?"

"Well," replied the Little Soul," it's one thing to know Who I Am, and another thing altogether to actually be it. I want to feel what it's like to be the Light!"

"But you already are the Light," God repeated, smiling again.

"Yes, but I want to see what that feels like!" cried the Little Soul.

"Well," said God with a chuckle, "I suppose I should have known. You always were the adventuresome one."

Then God's expression changed. "There's only one thing..."

"What?" asked the Little Soul.

"Well, there is nothing else but the Light. You see, I created nothing but what you are; and so, there is no easy way for you to experience yourself as Who You Are, since there is nothing that you are not."

"Huh?" said the Little Soul, who was now a little confused.

"Think of it this way," said God. "You are like a candle in the Sun. Oh, you're there all right. Along with a million, gazillion other candles who make up the Sun. And the sun would not be the Sun without you. Nay, it would be a sun without one of its candles...and that would not be the Sun at all; for it would not shine as brightly. Yet, how to know yourself as the Light when you are amidst the Light -that is the question."

"Well," the Little Soul perked up, "you're God. Think of something!"

Once more God smiled. "I already have," God said. "Since you cannot see yourself as the Light when you are in the Light, we'll surround you with darkness."

"What's darkness?" the Little Soul asked.

God replied, "It is that which you are not."

"Will I be afraid of the dark?" cried the Little Soul.

"Only if you choose to be," God answered. "There is nothing, really, to be afraid of, unless you decide that there is. You see, we are making it all up. We are pretending."

"Oh," said the Little Soul, and felt better already.

Then God explained that, in order to experience anything at all, the exact opposite of it will appear. "It is a great gift," God said, "because without it, you could not know what anything is like. You could not know Warm without Cold, Up without Down, Fast without Slow. You could not know Left without Right, Here without There, Now without Then."

"And so," God concluded, "when you are surrounded with darkness, do not shake your fist and raise your voice and curse the darkness. Rather be a Light unto the darkness, and don't be mad about it. Then you will know Who You Really Are, and all others will know, too. Let your Light shine so that everyone will know how special you are!"

"You mean it's okay to let others see how special I am?" asked the Little Soul.

"Of course!" God chuckled. "It's very okay! But remember,'special' does not mean 'better.' Everybody is special, each in their own way! Yet many others have forgotten that. They will see that it is okay for them to be special only when you see that it is okay for you to be special."

"Wow," said the Little Soul, dancing and skipping and laughing and jumping with joy. "I can be as special as I want to be!"

"Yes, and you can start right now," said God, who was dancing and skipping and laughing right along with the Little Soul.

"What part of special do you want to be?"

"What part of special?" the Little Soul repeated. "I don't understand."

"Well," God explained, "being the Light is being special, and being special has a lot of parts to it. It is special to be kind. It is special to be gentle. It is special to be creative. It is special to be patient. Can you think of any other ways it is special to be?"

The Little Soul sat quietly for a moment. "I can think of lots of ways to be special!" the Little Soul then exclaimed. "It is special to be helpful. It is special to be sharing. It is special to be friendly. It is special to be considerate of others!"

"Yes!" God agreed, "and you can be all of those things, or any part of special you wish to be, at any moment. That's what it means to be the Light."

"I know what I want to be, I know what I want to be!" the Little Soul announced with great excitement. "I want to be the part of special called 'forgiving'. Isn't it special to be forgiving?"

"Oh, yes," God assured the Little Soul. "That is very special."

"Okay," said the Little Soul. "That's what I want to be. I want to be forgiving. I want to experience myself as that."

"Good," said God, "but there's one thing you should know."

The Little Soul was becoming a bit impatient now. It always seemed as though there were some complication.

"What is it?" the Little Soul sighed.

"There is no one to forgive."

"No one?" The Little Soul could hardly believe what had been said.

"No one!" God repeated. "Everything I have made is perfect. There is not a single soul in all creation less perfect than you. Look around you."

It was then that the Little Soul realized a large crowd had gathered. Souls had come from far and wide ~ from all over the Kingdom ~ for the word had gone forth that the Little Soul was having this extraordinary conversation with God, and everyone wanted to hear what they were saying. Looking at the countless other souls gathered there, the Little Soul had to agree. None appeared less wonderful, less magnificent, or less perfect than the Little Soul itself. Such was the wonder of the souls gathered around, and so bright was their Light, that the Little Soul could scarcely gaze upon them.

"Who, then, to forgive?" asked God.

"Boy, this is going to be no fun at all!" grumbled the Little Soul. "I wanted to experience myself as One Who Forgives. I wanted to know what that part of special felt like."

And the Little Soul learned what it must feel like to be sad. But just then a Friendly Soul stepped forward from the crowd.

"Not to worry, Little Soul," the Friendly Soul said, "I will help you."

"You will?" the Little Soul brightened. "But what can you do?"

"Why, I can give you someone to forgive!"

"You can?"

"Certainly!" chirped the Friendly Soul. "I can come into your next lifetime and do something for you to forgive."

"But why? Why would you do that?" the Little Soul asked. "You, who are a Being of such utter perfection! You, who vibrate with such a speed that it creates a Light so bright that I can hardly gaze upon you! What could cause you to want to slow down your vibration to such a speed that your bright Light would become dark and dense? What could cause you ~ who are so light that you dance upon the stars and move through the Kingdom with the speed of your thought--to come into my life and make yourself so heavy that you could do this bad thing?"

"Simple," the Friendly Soul said. "I would do it because I love you."

The Little Soul seemed surprised at the answer.

"Don't be so amazed," said the Friendly Soul, "you have done the same thing for me. Don't you remember? Oh, we have danced together, you and I, many times. Through the eons and across all the ages have we danced. Across all time and in many places have we played together. You just don't remember."

"We have both been All Of It. We have been the Up and the Down of it, the Left and the Right of it. We have been the Here and the There of it, the Now and the Then of it. We have been the male and the female, the good and the bad; we have both been the victim and the villain of it."

"Thus have we come together, you and I, many times before; each bringing to the other the exact and perfect opportunity to Express and to Experience Who We Really Are. And so," the Friendly Soul explained further, "I will come into your next lifetime and be the 'bad one' this time. I will do something really terrible, and then you can experience yourself as the One Who Forgives.

"But what will you do?" the Little Soul asked, just a little nervously, "that will be so terrible?"

"Oh," replied the Friendly Soul with a twinkle, "we'll think of something."

Then the Friendly Soul seemed to turn serious, and said in a quiet voice, "You are right about one thing, you know."

"What is that?" the Little Soul wanted to know.

"I will have to slow down my vibration and become very heavy to do this not-so-nice thing. I will have to pretend to be something very unlike myself. And so, I have but one favour to ask of you in return."

"Oh, anything, anything!" cried the Little Soul, and began to dance and sing, "I get to be forgiving, I get to be forgiving!"

Then the Little Soul saw that the Friendly Soul was remaining very quiet.

"What is it?" the Little Soul asked. "What can I do for you? You are such an angel to be willing to do this for me!"

"Of course this Friendly Soul is an angel!" God interrupted. "Everyone is! Always remember: I have sent you nothing but angels."

And so the Little Soul wanted more than ever to grant the Friendly Soul's request. "What can I do for you?" the Little Soul asked again.

"In the moment that I strike you and smite you," the Friendly Soul replied, "in the moment that I do the worst to you that you could possible imagine ~ in that very moment..."

"Yes?" the Little Soul interrupted, "yes...?""Remember Who I Really Am."

"Oh, I will!" cried the Little Soul, "I promise! I will always remember you as I see you right here, right now!"

"Good," said the Friendly Soul, "because, you see, I will have been pretending so hard, I will have forgotten myself. And if you do not remember me as I really am, I may not be able to remember for a very long time. And if I forget Who I Am, you may even forget Who You Are, and we will both be lost. Then we will need another soul to come along and remind us both of Who We Are."

"No, we won't!" the Little Soul promised again. "I will remember you! And I will thank you for bringing me this gift ~ the chance to experience myself as Who I Am.

" And so, the agreement was made. And the Little Soul went forth into a new lifetime, excited to be the Light, which was very special, and excited to be that part of special called Forgiveness.

And the Little Soul waited anxiously to be able to experience itself as Forgiveness, and to thank whatever other soul made it possible. And at all the moments in that new lifetime, whenever a new soul appeared on the scene, whether that new soul brought joy or sadness--and especially if it brought sadness--the Little Soul thought of what God had said.

"Always remember," God had smiled, "I have sent you nothing but angels."


by Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations With God