Not a fan

Postpartum depression sucks. I am using the tools I know and I want to be happy and for the most part do really good but tonight I flipped its like it was thrown into full effect and it scared me so bad I went from wanting to harm my self to plotting running away leaving Malaki here for a while so that I could leave town to find good paying work to be able to take care of him and my family. I know I could not do either of them and its so my ego mind fighting to put me down but it's hard it's like my ego has hold of my body and emotions I feel tears swell when there is nothing going on at all. I love my little boy so much and feel he deserves so much and my ego loves to tell me I have nothing to give. I do tho.. I have my love. And that's just going to have to be enough I will get through these crazy moments and my body will balance out my chemicals soon. For now i ask for you to send love and light my way.