Say Something

Have you ever longed to just here some one say you mean the world to them? I feel that way right now, I mean I am fine with being single I am not rushing to find a relationship, And no my divorce is not final yet but its felt like i have been on my own and single alot longer then most will say I have been . I felt empty before he even left before I became pregnant. I get to listen to me more. I felt it in my heart before we even got married that it was not going to work. I chose to listen to the world telling me it was just me getting cold feet and that it would be okay. I deserve to listen to me, I deserve to be true to me and I give my word that from this moment on I am true to me and my heart. As I was saying there us a longing for some one to want me and love me for who I am. To want to take care and love me and my son. The type of love that drives you crazy if you are not near that person because you long to be in their presence. Meaning putting every thing aside just to hold them. Love hearing the sound of their voice, the funny little things they do. Why cant I have that type of love? The kind where fights end with a kiss and "I still love you", where no matter what happens you still make it through because life worth living no matter how hard it gets cause they are there loving you.

Honest there was some one in my life that I did not realize how great he was til he left. And what shocks me the most is I loved him more than my first love and I never thought I would love any one as much as I loved him. He treated me like a queen, I never really got in a fight with him even when we lived with each other for quite a few months. No it was not perfect, there were times I laid in bed wishing he was there instead of else where, I got upset and feared he did not love me towards the end, but he was true, He never lied to me he never meant to hurt me. He was the best relationship I had. And I let him go. I did not fight to keep him. I held my chin up and watched as tears streamed from his eyes when he left, not letting him see the pain. Yes as soon as he could not see me I collapsed in sobs. I had never cried so hard and for so long. And perhaps that is one of the reasons I rushed into marring, I was so eager to "try" to fill that hollow spot that ached in my heart. The weeks after that were a blur, several guys wanted to date me and rejoiced in the fact that i was alone again. And Wil was the one who stayed around the most. I had been the one to call him up and asked for assistance I deserved some one who had been through the impact trainings to assist me in using a tool I had learned, and he was there. Yes I was the first to kiss him. He went to kiss my cheek and I kissed him full on to see if there was any thing there. Honestly there was no spark and I told him that but he was persistent and that reminded me of my first love. ( My first love is a whole different story for another time). Life is full of lessons and I feel I have finally learned what marring Wil taught me. To listen to me! That I get to trust me! I knew not to rush into a relationship, I knew I was not ready to get married, I knew he was not the one! And I beg for forgiveness of leading William on and for any hurt I may have caused him.

The one I loved the most has came back in my life. Only as a facebook messenger Pen-Pal but he is back in my life and I feel like a crazy teenager waiting eagerly for his messages. I don't know why I feel this way I am carefully guarding my heart for the one it belongs to ( not that I know who that is yet) I still find my self looking at the messenger like 100 times a day and I feel so foolish. I long for that love I talked about. Yes I loved him the most but I am not sure if he is the one that my heart is waiting for. But I wanted to post a song that touches my heart right now and makes me think of him.